Are You Jealous or is He an Asshole?
Ever wondered: “Am I overreacting or reacting appropriately?”
Jealousy’s a natural feeling that constantly reminds you of how you feel towards your man. But what if the source of your jealous feelings is also heartbreaking? What if he cheated or doesn’t respect you anymore? How do you heal from that and move on to other prospects without the constant fear that we’re not deserving of love?
This happens to all of us, and I'm here to help you get through those unwanted thoughts. How we respond to "inner" voices (who I call Joan of Arc) impacts how events unfold for us in the real world. Learning how to respond to automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) has the power to alter the course of events with any man.
How did jealousy hurt my relationship with men?
Slobber must’ve dripped on the floor as my mouth gapped open. I watched the man I was dating get on top of the bar speaker and proceed to grind and dry hump a drunk woman in a denim mini skirt right in front of me. “Wow, so that’s how it’s going to be,” was my only thought. This wasn’t the first time that he’d danced with or rubbed his genitals on another woman in front of me.
He obviously didn't think that there was anything wrong with his behavior, so then I thought, “Am I the crazy one? If I react, am I overreacting?” His nonchalance made me believe that I had to play the “cool girl,” when in fact… it was not cool… at all.
I wish I’d had the self-respect to nip that relationship in the bud long before it developed. With his other faults considered, this man was toxic and should’ve been tossed (Read the Article Keep Him or Toss Him). But what about those other times, the gray area times, when things could be innocuous, and the only real meaning these events have are the meaning we give them?
Here are some relatively neutral examples that could cause you to feel jealous, angry, resentful, and afraid - depending on the story you make up in your head and the items in your kaleidoscope (Read Book How To Make Men Chase You).
He wants to go on a guys’ trip
He runs into a female friend at a coffee shop
He notices a busty woman who walks into the restaurant
How jealousy affects your relationships
When something important to us, such as our love relationships or job positions, is in danger of being taken away from us, we may feel jealous or threatened.
If you're not consciously aware of what's happening, jealousy can strike suddenly and threaten to ruin otherwise happy and healthy relationships. However, emotion is a part of human nature. Let’s focus on the cause of the feelings we are having. Some could counter that jealousy in partnerships isn't necessarily "bad" and can even be helpful. However, there is a thin line between jealousy acting as a constructive motivator and jealousy acting as a negative force.
How then can you use jealousy as a constructive motivator?
1. Try and explore the root of your jealousy
Take a step back and identify the source of your jealousy. Is there a genuine reason to feel hurt, or is it tied to past wounds? Be upfront with your partner about your feelings and consider talking to a trusted, neutral friend for perspective. Sometimes, seeing things through another person’s eyes can help clear up the confusion.
2. Be in the present
Jealousy often stems from comparing our relationship to an “ideal” we’ve created in our minds of what “ought to be.” Instead, focus on the reality of your relationship as it is right now. Gratitude and mindfulness practices can shift your focus from what’s lacking to what’s valuable, helping you appreciate the positives in your connection.
3. Seek professional help
Sometimes, jealousy can feel too complex to unpack on our own. Therapy can provide a safe space to explore these feelings without fear of judgment. A therapist can help guide your conversations with your partner, helping both of you address the true sources of jealousy and find ways to support each other through it.
4. Avoid the blame game
Placing blame, whether on yourself or him, only damages intimacy. Self-blame diminishes your confidence, and accusing him creates a toxic environment that can attract more problems. Good men value women who approach concerns calmly and directly. If blaming becomes a habit, it can push away a healthy partner and invite toxic dynamics instead. Remember, jealousy is natural, but handling it with self-respect keeps your relationships healthy.
Recognizing Real Red Flags
While jealousy can sometimes be fueled by insecurities, there are situations where it’s a genuine warning sign. I use the term "actually" here to highlight the distinction between what a man is actually doing and what he is capable of doing, considering doing, or fantasizing about. Here are a few instances where his behavior might actually be crossing a line:
He’s actually flirting with other women online or in person.
He is actually speaking to, visiting, or messaging other women. This includes maintaining an "emotional" connection with an ex or a lady at work.
He’s engaging in physical relationships with different woman.
When these behaviors are present, it’s not about “overreacting”—it’s about respecting yourself and deciding if this relationship with an unfaithful man who share his energy loosely with others is truly serving you.
Moving Forward with Self-Worth and Openness
Understanding jealousy and where it comes from—whether it’s a result of his actions or our own insecurities—can help us maintain a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Pay attention to the impact jealousy has on your relationship and explore its roots without judgment. Open communication and gratitude for the positive aspects of your relationship can be powerful tools for overcoming jealousy.
It may take time, but it’s absolutely worth it for a relationship that is grounded in mutual respect and love.
If you’re struggling with jealousy or insecurity, know that you’re not alone. I regularly share insights, methods, and advice in my newsletter to help you overcome jealousy and stay open to love and never drive away a good man again.
The next time those feelings arise, remember—you’re supported, and you have tools to handle them with grace and self-assurance.
Hey love, let’s stay together…
You don’t have to go through difficulty alone. You are never alone. If you need more help beyond what the free blog can provide for you, I’m here for you. My researched blogs will always be free because I want to help as many women as possible Raise the Bar, which will make the world a better, safer, and happier place for all of us.
If you’re still struggling, I’d love to invite you to get the book by clicking here. The book is great for “Do-It-Youself-ers” and Reading & Writing Learners. There are incredible, scientifically backed writing exercises in there that can transform your life if you practice them.
Finally, if you want to supercharge your relationship at lightening speed, I have two options for you: join the waitlist for the video course and or request a place to work one-on-one with me in person or online. The video course will be great for Auditory & Visual Learners or people who just want more detail on exact relationship methodologies and how to apply them in every day life. The one-on-one fun work we do together is absolutely wild and life-changing. It’s literally a hold-your-hand method for Kinesthetic Learner and people who don’t want to waste a single second more of turning their wheels and try to figure it out themselves.
Whatever you choose, know in your heart that I am here to support you on this journey. I know exactly what it feels like to be at your ropes end, totally confused. So whether I can support you through free blog posts or paid in-depth help, know that I consider it an honor and privilege to serve you.
