Is It Space He Needs? Or Is He Afraid of Intimacy? Find Out In 5 Steps
All men "boomerang" at some point in their lives.
You’ve probably experienced this: He'll be "all over you" one minute, then distant the next… as if, perhaps he's terrified of getting close to you… or maybe your mind may wander to even darker thoughts of he never wanted to be with you in the first place.
His thoughts may be occupied with something unrelated to you, or he may simply need some time apart from you to get his bearings back. Men and women alike may require a period of "regrouping" to restore their equilibrium. Just like us, men can need “me time.” Underneath it all, we are all just people, doing the best we can! Though… when he boomerangs, WHAT we do makes all the difference.
Sometimes, it feels like things are moving in the right direction with him. But other times, he seems distant, almost indifferent.
While you’re investing in this connection, he doesn’t seem to hold it with the same importance. Despite your best efforts to open up, he keeps his innermost thoughts and emotions hidden. You’re left wondering if his hesitation comes from emotional unavailability or a fear of intimacy.
It’s painful, realizing he may not see how much his distance affects you. You’re feeling deeply connected, yet he seems to glide through it all, carefree and unattached. It’s hard to reconcile your intense feelings with his apparent lack of investment in what you both share.
You vs. Him: What You're Looking For…
When we start to feel insecure in a relationship, our natural instinct as women is often to seek reconciliation and understanding. We want to “talk things out,” to feel reassured through tenderness, and to find solutions that make us feel safe again.
When doubts creep in, we crave that sense of security, a sign that everything will be okay. But ironically, when we bring up these fears, it can actually make things worse. (I’ll explain why later in this article!)
Men, however, often respond differently. When they feel pressure or confusion, they tend to retreat backwards to find space, throwing themselves into work or even taking a solo weekend away from everything.
Whether he’s just needing a breather or showing signs of inconsistency, it’s essential to look after yourself and communicate in ways that resonate with him—while also deciding if he’s truly the right fit for you.
Stand Up for Yourself to Get What You Deserve
Expressing your feelings openly is essential for creating a strong, authentic connection with a masculine energy partner. Try these steps to build the confidence to communicate your emotions clearly and effectively:
1. Pause and Check In
The first step toward meaningful communication is self-awareness. Take a moment to pause and check in with your feelings. Are you feeling angry, resentful, frustrated, or perhaps insecure? Maybe you’re sensing a disconnect.
Don’t judge yourself—just observe. Every feeling, even the uncomfortable ones, is a signal from within that deserves attention. Like comforting a child, allow these feelings to surface without trying to dismiss or change them. Resist the urge to bury or ignore your emotions; instead, let’s start by simply taking a long deep breath.
2. Sort Through Your Thoughts
Imagine your partner calls last-minute to confirm plans for tonight, even though he didn’t follow through on his promise to call two days ago. You may feel torn—should you let him know you're busy and won't be able to make the date or brush it off and go out anyway despite being upset with him?
Start by tracking your thoughts, perhaps in a small journal. Draw a line down the center of a page. On the left side, write down every thought, even the ones that feel intense or uncomfortable. Just let them flow.
3. Tune into Your Body
Next, “check in” with your body. Notice where tension builds up: your belly, shoulders, jaw, pelvis, throat or heck, maybe even your whole body. When you identify tightness in a particular area of your body, take a moment to consciously, say hello to it. Acknowledge it’s exsistence and it’s right to be present because it is trying to tell you something to protect you. After acknowledging it, start breathing deep conscious breathe/ oxygen into that space to release the tension from it. Tell it that it is safe, it’s okay to exsist and it’s okay to let go.
Placing your hand on the area where you feel tension—whether your shoulder, chest, or belly—can be soothing and grounding. Focusing on small areas rather than trying to relax all at once can make it easier to release tension gradually.
Observe where the tension moves. Breathe in deeply through your nose, and exhale slowly through your mouth, following the sensations in your body.
4. Shift Thoughts (masculine energy) to Feelings (feminine energy)
Now, revisit your notes from Step #2. Take each thought on the left side and translate it into a feeling on the right side of the paper. Here’s how it might look:
On the left, you may have written, “Why didn’t he call me?” On the right, transform it into, “I felt unimportant when a person neglects to call me when he says he will.”
Or maybe, “You could have just told me you were going to be late!” can become, “I felt frustrated and impatient waiting.”
By connecting your thoughts to your feelings, you’re able to communicate in a way that’s clear, authentic, and true to you. These four steps help you stand up for yourself and communicate from a place of self-respect (not blame), which not only strengthens your connection but also nurtures your own sense of peace and confidence.
Do you now see how you can convert your thoughts to feelings?
You don’t have to put the blame on him. Simply because it has nothing to do with him or his actions. There is nothing more important than your reaction to him and to his actions when you are in the presence of his behavior.
Or to put it another way, it's about you! And how you're feeling! He needs to know that, and that's what you need to tell him. Take responsibility for your own feelings. You don’t need to make other people feel “wrong.”
It's important for men to know how their actions (or inactions) impact you emotionally. With open and honest communication, you may help him better understand how his inappropriate behavior affects you and give him the opportunity to do better.
That way, you may test him out to see if your wants can be met while still showing him that you care about him. He's a keeper if he respects your feelings and takes action to make you happy and correct his behavior.
On the other hand, if he can't handle your feelings, won't change his conduct, is too defensive, or puts the blame on YOU, get rid of him and save yourself weeks (or potentially years….) of heartache. That is time you would have spent working on yourself.
Just a couple more ways you can express yourself to him:
Say : I don’t understand what is happening. I feel confused. What do you think we should do?
Or : I feel disappointed and sad when XYZ happens…
Instead of: How could you possibly have forgotten about our plans? I hope you had a good time last night out with your friends!
Do you see what we did there?
5. You don’t always have to be the one who’s right
In what ways may you benefit from obsessing about always being right? Something feels quite smug and self righteous in being “right,” but at what cost? Putting other people down with things like: “he's the one who did that horrific act! What gives him the right to deny that he did anything wrong?”
However, he is not the focus of the real question. In the end, the question isn't whether or not you'll be right, but whether or not you’re being open to love in the process. Because your love life can be transformed in an instant if you can let go of all the "right-ness."
Expressing your TRUE feelings in the way described in this article is the best approach to honor your own sense of what is "correct" and convey this to others. Then we can get rid of the notion that he is 'wrong.' Because it's possible that he didn't realize how his terrible behavior was impacting you and your feelings.
Every stage of a person's love life is a learning experience... you might as well do it together! Without one person having to be the “bad guy.”
What you say makes all the difference…
When you stop making him wrong, berating him, whining, or telling him what he should have done or should do, he'll calm down and stop blaming himself. He'll unwind like he's never let himself unwind before with anyone. When he's not constantly thinking of ways to defend himself, he'll instantly relax. Moreover, we've all seen what men do when they're on the defensive:
He tries to distance himself from you.
Instead of doing more to make you happy, he withdraws.
He'll withhold his affection for you.
He won't want to help you in any way.
He might perceive your confrontation as a threat causing him to spend all his energy defending himself.
When we think we’re just “letting him know” how much he’s hurt us, we often approach it in ways that miss the mark. Next time you’re tempted to keep your feelings bottled up or lash out, try this 5-step technique instead.
Understanding and clearly expressing your emotions can create a deeper closeness with your partner.
For women and feminine energy partners, learning to express your feelings openly is a powerful act. Remember, our true feminine strength is in the emotional realm!
Speaking up in this way can open the door to an intimate, fulfilling relationship with someone who genuinely wants to make you happy and build a life together.
For me—and for so many women I’ve coached—this was a life-changing realization. Just shifting your awareness in this way is a perfect place to begin a change in your relationship right now.
You don’t need to go through years of relationship confusion and pain as I did. I hate seeing women confused and in pain. I want to eradicate it from the earth. But like all problems in the world, we must first turn the mirror inward and look within ourselves to create world change. That’s why I share these insights with you.
My mission has always been to empower women to find joy in partnership, to experience deep satisfaction in relationships, and to attract a good man who is wholeheartedly committed to them. And I’m excited to help you step into that powerful journey. We are raising the bar for men, by raising the bar for ourselves and becoming deeply connected to our inner most desires.
Hey love, let’s stay together…
You don’t have to go through difficulty alone. You are never alone. If you need more help beyond what the free blog can provide for you, I’m here for you. My researched blogs will always be free because I want to help as many women as possible Raise the Bar, which will make the world a better, safer, and happier place for all of us.
If you’re still struggling, I’d love to invite you to get the book by clicking here. The book is great for “Do-It-Youself-ers” and Reading & Writing Learners. There are incredible, scientifically backed writing exercises in there that can transform your life if you practice them.
Finally, if you want to supercharge your relationship at lightening speed, I have two options for you: join the waitlist for the video course and or request a place to work one-on-one with me in person or online. The video course will be great for Auditory & Visual Learners or people who just want more detail on exact relationship methodologies and how to apply them in every day life. The one-on-one fun work we do together is absolutely wild and life-changing. It’s literally a hold-your-hand method for Kinesthetic Learner and people who don’t want to waste a single second more of turning their wheels and try to figure it out themselves.
Whatever you choose, know in your heart that I am here to support you on this journey. I know exactly what it feels like to be at your ropes end, totally confused. So whether I can support you through free blog posts or paid in-depth help, know that I consider it an honor and privilege to serve you.
